Archive for the ‘family’ Category

Recalling Some Life Lessons

Traffic Jam

Normal is getting dressed in clothes you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.   ―Ellen Goodman

Time has been called “a great healer” because it helps ease the pain of physical and emotional wounds.  Unfortunately, time also sometimes causes us to forget some of the best lessons life teaches—lessons we ought to have held on to.

Such was the case for a life lesson I recently recalled—something I originally learned while serving as a Civil-Military Operations Officer in southern Somalia some 20 years ago.

In 1993, Somalia was engulfed in civil war, much like today.  One day I visited a refugee camp run by the United Nations. Hundreds of Bantu people were housed there in small, igloo-like huts made from long bent sticks covered with plastic sheeting.

???????????????????????????????

The Bantus were brought to Somalia as slaves in the 19th century and remain so to this day. They are a small people of very different ethnicity and appearance than the Somalis.

The Bantus I saw that day were living in absolute squalor. Yet despite their situation they seemed remarkably happy.  When I asked a UN worker about the reason for the Bantus’ apparent joy, he provided a life lesson.  “These people were once slaves,” he said, “but now they’re free, well fed and together.”  The things they held dearest were freedom, family and a full belly.  They enjoyed all of these in the squalid camp where they were living.

Over the course of my time in Somalia and several other deployments during my Army career, I learned other lessons about how little we humans truly need.  For months at a time I lived with no possessions beyond what would fit in my rucksack and duffel bag.

With no car to wash, no lawn to mow, no gutters to clean, no leaves to rake, no Internet, no TV and no long commute to work, one has freedom to discover the gift of time.  Personal productivity can increase significantly in such situations, as can relaxation and renewal.

My unscientific observations suggest that as possessions increase, freedom decreases. A multitude of possessions tend to chip away at the gift of time. While I am not a practicing minimalist, I do believe it would behoove most Americans to consider reducing their material possessions.  Garages were designed for cars, not unopened moving boxes. The primary purpose of an attic is to allow proper ventilation of a house, not to store a lot of stuff.   According to the Wall Street Journal, only about 20 percent of the clothes in a person’s closet are regularly worn. You get the picture.

Relearning Some Past Life Lessons

After each long military deployment, I returned home with renewed enthusiasm for life and a deeper appreciation for my freedom, family and the many blessings God had given us. Unfortunately, the enthusiasm and appreciation always slowly faded as I became increasingly re-engaged in the daily, mundane distractions of life and work. After awhile, many life lessons just seem to vanish.  Some of us are fortunate enough to be have an opportunity to relearn some of them.

About a year ago, two major changes in my life occurred.  First, my wife and I moved from a house in Johnstown into a condo near Pittsburgh. Then, only four weeks later, I lost my job.

I had wanted more free time and I got it.  Sometimes God has a real sense of humor!

Laughing Jesus

Two of the main reasons we moved into a condo were to reduce our material possessions and to escape the workload that accompanies owning and maintaining a house. We simply wanted more freedom to do the things we enjoy.  Losing my job wasn’t part of the plan.

However, over the course of the past year I’ve relearned some valuable life lessons, ones I should never have forgotten.

First of all, I remembered that I really don’t need a lot to make me happy.  We have a lot less space and a lot fewer possessions than a year ago, but we also have more time and more freedom to enjoy life.  It has been a great tradeoff—so much, in fact, that my wife and I are already discussing another major downsizing.

Living without abundance makes one more aware of God’s daily provisions.  Instead of asking Him for specific blessings, I’ve learned to pray each day that God will provide my family and me just enough to satisfy our needs and that His perfect will may be done in our lives.

During the past year I also remembered how little it takes to make me truly happy.  We have adjusted to living on my military pension, something that seemed nearly impossible a year ago.  I also have remembered that it doesn’t take much more than my freedom, family and a full belly to make me happy–just like the joyful Bantu people I observed in Somalia many years ago,

Well, there is one other thing. The gift of time has allowed me to dig deeper into the Scriptures than ever before, bringing me closer to the only true source of joy. As the Rev. Dr. Sam Storms so clearly explains, “Joy is not necessarily the absence of suffering, it is the presence of God.”

May you find true joy and peace in your pilgrim’s journey!

“Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon the earth, where moth and rust consume, and where thieves break through and steal: but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth consume, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: for where thy treasure is, there will thy heart be also.”  —Matthew 6:19-21 (ASV)

Making Time for Family Time

  “A family in harmony will prosper in everything.”  –Chinese Proverb

Time Management

As a management consultant, I have found that business managers at all levels overwhelmingly agree that time is one of their most precious resources, yet few proactively manage it.  Consequently, many businesses are plagued by continual over-scheduling and scheduling conflicts.  Frequent scheduling conflicts in a business can lead to communications problems, employee frustration and poor morale.  The end result is always decreased productivity and profits.  Some studies have shown that improved time management can increase productivity by as much as 40 percent in certain companies!

Managing Family Time

The same holds true for families.  Many families units today have a single parent or two working parents.  Add school age children to the mix and you have an almost certain recipe for scheduling difficulties. Failure to properly manage your family’s time can lead to unnecessary stress, strife and even financial troubles. For families, most activities can be classified into one of four categories:  1) business, 2) household, 3) personal, and 4) family. Each category is essential to a family and each requires good time management.

Business Time is the time one spends on preparing for work, commuting to and from work, other work-related travel, and working.  It’s the most difficult time to manage from an individual perspective, since most workers are tied to a fairly inflexible work schedule.  They arise from sleep at a predetermined time and then spend an amount of time getting ready for work, commuting to and from work, and actually performing their work. It’s fairly easy to estimate the minimum amount time a worker will spend on each of these tasks.  Predicting the maximum is much more difficult, especially for those having long commutes, frequent business trips, and who are salaried rather than hourly laborers.

Household Time it spent doing the chores and other activities required to run and maintain a household.  This includes time spent on business correspondence, bill paying, preparing tax returns, dealing with home maintenance, meal preparation etc.  Many of these activities can be performed on a flexible schedule.

Personal Time includes periods of sleep, relaxation, exercise (including organized sports), personal hygiene and grooming, learning/studying, and spiritual renewal. For good mental and physical health, it is essential that none of these activities be neglected.  Unfortunately, far too many people sacrifice personal time in exchange for more business or household time.

Family Time is defined differently for every family.  Broadly speaking, it includes time spent on communicating, bonding, learning and enjoying one another’s company and love.  Family time includes worship services and other activities at church.  Since it is loosely defined, it is frequently the most neglected category.

Scheduling Your Family Time

As the ancient Chinese proverb at the head of this post suggests, family time is the most important category of time for families.  Mismanaging family time will hamper family harmony.  Sadly, in many American homes today family time hardly exists at all.

To maximize your family time, try this:

1.  Have a family meeting (parents only), to discuss and define what the most important, non-negotiable family time should be for your particular family.  During the meeting, try to set a day (better several days) for family dinner time.  The value of sitting around the table and sharing a family meal is well recognized.

2.  Next, bring any school age children into the discussion.  The purpose of this is primarily to inform them of your decision, but it’s also an opportunity to hear their thoughts and maybe even modify your initial decision.

3.  Use monthly, weekly and daily calendars to plan and list your schedule.  Refer to each frequently and keep them updated.  Time management consultants universally agree that having calendars is essential to success.  Use paper or electronic calendars, or a combination of both—whatever you’re comfortable with.  Free, printable calendars online can be downloaded at this link: http://www.vertex42.com/ExcelTemplates/schedules.html

Maximizing Your Family Time

Here are some rules to help you maximize family time when planning your family’s schedule:

1.  Use only one set of calendars (monthly, weekly, daily) for the entire family.  This will help preclude scheduling conflicts.

2.  On your calendars, enter dad’s and/or mom’s business time first, since it usually the least flexible.

3.  Next, enter your family time events.  This should include those non-negotiable, recurring events like attending church, designated family dinner nights, movie nights, board game nights etc., plus important non-recurring events like birthday parties, graduation ceremonies, recitals, ball games etc.

4.  Next list personal time for each family member.  This time is essential for mental and physical well being.  If you neglect either of these areas, it will have a negative impact on the other areas of your life.

5.  Next, schedule your household time, which is your most flexible time and can be squeezed in between other activities on our calendar.

Parents should take 10 minutes at the end of each evening to review and refine the next day’s schedule.  If you forget to do this or you’re just too tired, take 10 minutes at the beginning of the next day.  Once you’ve reviewed and made any required adjustments to the daily schedule, review it with the kids as necessary.

As with most things that are important to a family, managing your family’s time takes discipline. It also requires being flexible and willing to negotiate. There will always be scheduling conflicts for parents to deal with.  Every day will require trade-offs. Be willing to go to extreme lengths to protect your designated family time. Failure to be flexible and/or an unwillingness to negotiate on the part of either parent will disrupt family harmony and cause a ripple effect throughout the family unit. Remember to do all things with love.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)